How Cancer Changed the Way I See My Body (And What I Love Now)

Majority of my life I was at war with my body. I was too fat, I didn’t have enough muscle, my arms were too big, my butt was too big, my butt was too small, my hair was too nappy, my face wasn’t symmetrical….etc etc ETC.

I struggled with my relationship to food and over-exercising. I was obsessed with dieting and memorized every calorie for every food. I restricted so much until I binged. Then the binge would cause me to restrict. This cycled continued over and over, for years.

I was stuck in a prison of my own mind and body and didn’t know how to get out.

After being sick of myself, my obsession with food and how much I weighed— I decided I was forever done with diets, the scale and counting anything ever again.

I knew that in order for me to heal the parts of me I hated, I would have to do something drastic. So I did.

I deleted all the food counting apps, I allowed myself to eat whatever I wanted, I focused on movements that felt good and no longer allowed myself to speak negatively about my body. I can’t say I was perfect but after a few years, I realized I no longer was thinking about food 24/7. I didn’t care what the scale read. I wasn’t hyper-fixated on my body and I never really noticed when I lost or gained weight. I was finally released from the prison of my own making.

…and then cancer hit. My body changed over night, I gained 30 lbs during chemo and I no longer recognized myself. But you know what? I knew it was all temporary.

Yes, the changes were hard but I finally saw for the first time in my life, what my body was doing for me. She was surviving, she was winning the battle against the very cells that wanted to kill me, she was keeping me alive.

My perspective completely changed. Our bodies are mere homes for our souls. A skin suit we borrow for our time on earth and a vehicle to maneuver through life.

Our bodies do so much for us and are the vessel for every experience. Now, post-cancer, my body is scarred, burned, amputated and looks very different than what it did 3 years ago. Full transparency, I still struggle with the intimacy aspects of my body, but I know full acceptance takes time (and the right person).

But I am beyond grateful for her.

As I step foot back in the gym and lift the weights I at one point couldn’t pick up…

As I walk around the neighborhood, I at one point could barely get around…

As I hike with friends, bathe myself, stretch my arms overhead and see myself naked and bandage-free, while at one point none of this was possible…

…I express gratitude for everything we have gone through because here we are, still standing.

I hope today, right now, you express love for the body that has gotten you through to this very moment. For fighting with you, on the same team that is overcoming the cells that are at war against your body. Send some gratitude for making it to today and waking up this morning. What a miracle.

This my friends, is true self-care. self-love. self-acceptance.

xo, Amanda

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🌟WED MARCH 12 - 5 PM PST: 💪🏽WORKOUT WITH AMANDA💪🏽

We’re finalllyyyyy doing it, friends! I will be hosting my first workout for y’all next week. This will be a 40 min beginner-ish strength/pilates workout for all levels. I will always provide modifications and progressions. Dumbbells are optional! Set up a mat, wear some activewear and let’s mooove :)

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🌟THE ULTIMATE SELF-CARE TRIP: TUSCANY, ITALY RETREAT ✈️

Our Italian wellness escape May 23-28 is just around the corner and we still have a few spots left! If you have been contemplating saying “yes” to yourself and booking the trip you deserve, now is your chance!

This 6-night, 5-day all-inclusive getaway will help you heal, connect to yourself and others, and provide you a jam packed itinerary of fun throughout the countryside of Italy! Book it solo or with a friend and come have the most unforgettable trip of a lifetime 🍷🌾🇮🇹 BOOK YOUR SPOT

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